The Story Garden 5.0
Fiction
Dr. Hemlock
"I'd like to make an appointment with Dr. Hemlock."
"Very well. Do you have symptoms or is this just a check-up?"
"Symptom."
"...and the symptoms you're experiencing?"
"Anxiety."
"Anxiety?"
"Yes, anxiety."
"...anxiety over a tooth-related problem?"
"No. Just anxiety."
"Are you aware that this is a dentist's office?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Well...Dr. Hemlock...he doesn’t really handle...psychiatric matters."
"Yes, well, you see...I don't really handle...psychiatrists...and as this is a psychiatric matter...I'd really prefer to see a dentist. I'll pay him just the same."
"...as a psychiatrist?"
"As a dentist."
"..."
"Hello?"
"Sir...I'm afraid I can't make an appointment for you unless you have a dental problem."
"My dental hurts."
"...excuse me?"
"My dentals are out of whack. I need to see the dentist about this. Please."
"Are you putting me on, sir?"
"What does it matter? I'm telling you I have a dental problem and that I want to make an appointment. Will you please make me an appointment?"
"But, sir, you already said you were suffering from anxiety."
"I am."
"So..."
"So just make the appointment...I'm telling you, right now, that all my teeth have fallen out. When I get there, if you make the appointment, I will see Dr. Hemlock and then I will pay when we are finished. It's all the same."
"...how's tomorrow at one."
"It's terrible. See you then."
***
"Hi, Bob. It's me."
"...it's two o'clock in the morning."
"That's irrelevant. I've called to tell you something."
"..."
"I've called you, Bob, I've called to tell you...that I'll be going to see Dr. Hemlock tomorrow."
"Who?"
"Dr. Hemlock. He's a dentist."
"...it’s two o'clock in the morning."
"So you'll have to cancel the court."
"Why?"
"...because I'm going to the dentist."
"So? I'll just get Pfeifer."
"Just like that?"
"What?"
"Just like that? I can't go and so you'll just get Pfeifer?"
"Well...yes."
"You're an ass, Bob."
"Well, maybe if it wasn't two o'clock in the morning, I wouldn't be."
"I'm sitting here with my teeth all over the ground and all you can think about is playing racquetball with Herb Pfeifer..."
"..."
"..."
"What?"
"Goodbye, Bob."
"...see ya."
"..."
"Are you off?"
"..."
"I'm...what am I supposed to do, just not play?"
"Hang up, I'm trying to make another call."
***
"...all of them."
"That's a lot. We have twenty-six toppings."
"I want them all. And don't skimp. I want all of them in the correct amount, as if you were making a single-topping pizza, except it's twenty-six instead of one."
"Alright. That'll be--"
"Just do it. And hurry up. I've got a dentist appointment in nine hours."
***
"See ya later, Mom."
"What?"
"I'll see ya."
"You called me at three-thirty in the morning to say...what?"
"Nothing. That I’ll see you later. I'm going to the dentist and then I'll see you later."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"Hang up. I'm trying to make another call."
***
"How are we today, Mr. G--------?"
"We're a little worried, Doc."
"I should say so, what with all your teeth falling out."
"..."
"Mr. G--------, your teeth haven't fallen out. Why, they're right there inside your mouth."
"My teeth are fine, Doctor."
"..."
"Well, maybe they're not. They're probably not. But that's beside the point. I'm here because of chronic anxiety."
"Chronic anxiety?"
"Can you prescribe anti-anxiety drugs, Dr. Hemlock?"
"No, of course not. I'm a dentist."
"Excellent."
"..."
"..."
"I don't know exactly why you're here, Mr. G--------, but if you haven't a dental problem--"
"Clean my teeth."
"..."
"Dr. Hemlock...clean my teeth. Clean my teeth, and go slow."
"Are you here for a cleaning?"
"What did I say?"
"...well, I can't just have you sitting here, obviously lying about your teeth falling out, and then all of the sudden ask for a cleaning when you've already stated that you suffer from chronic anxiety."
"...I see."
"It’s uncouth."
"Yes."
"It’s something."
"..."
"..."
"Why would you deny me a cleaning because I suffer from anxiety?"
"It's not just the anxiety; it's your teeth falling out."
"You can't clean the tooth of a liar?"
"It’s complicated."
"What if I said I had a cavity, got here, you examined me, said there was no cavity, and then I asked for a cleaning?"
"If you had said--"
"There's no difference. What if I'm telling you now that I thought my teeth had fallen out, but now I'm here, my teeth haven't fallen out, I was mistaken, and now I want a cleaning? If it helps, I’ll say this: 'Doctor, I truly believe that my teeth have fallen out.'"
"Mr. G--------, what I think is that you want anti-anxiety drugs, and--"
"Incorrect. Just the opposite. I do not want drugs. What I want is a doctor who cannot prescribe anti-anxiety drugs."
"..."
"What I want is you. What I want is you, cleaning my teeth, or just acting like you're cleaning my teeth. Really, though...I mean, look."
"What do I know about anxiety?"
"You're a doctor, aren't you?"
"Yes, but not that kind of doctor."
"Exactly."
"So what would I know?"
"You're a doctor, a seer of people...you probably know things, and since you can’t prescribe drugs, you know...since you can't and all..."
"But I can. I can prescribe drugs, just not the ones you want."
"Yes. You can prescribe drugs, you're a doctor, but you cannot prescribe the very drugs I do not want. I don't want them, you know."
"Then why are you here?"
"Because of that."
"...wouldn't a psychiatric professional be more appropriate?"
"For a cleaning? You're crazy."
"But...you do...they are...and yes, he would...and that's, you know..."
"--exactly. What I don't want."
"..."
"..."
"Open your mouth."
"..."
"..."
"Auh suh, eu'we ee olah wuh, ee olah wah, huh ceh ba--"
"I can't understand you."
"Hah cehng ah cesh."
"What?"
"Hech...stop cleaning my teeth."
"I thought you wanted a cleaning."
"I do."
"Are you winking at me?"
"No."
"You just did it again."
"Doctor..."
"Again!"
"Relax, Dr. Hemlock!"
"Relax? Me?"
"You appear to be suffering from anxiety."
"No, no...you're the one."
"Yes, yes. See, I knew you were a good doctor."
"..."
"..."
"Do you want me to clean your teeth?"
"If you think it will help."
"Then what do you want? They're filthy."
"Yes. Peace."
"...what?"
"Peace."
"Piece of what?"
"...of being able to get up in the morning, coming to the dentist, and just...you know...being at the dentist, enjoy being at the dentist for what it is, everything it can be."
"Are you alright, Mr. G--------?"
"No. I’m very anxious."
"You know, I too am anxious sometimes."
"I can tell."
"Yes. I’m anxious now."
"Do you take drugs?"
"Not for that."
"Is this a good world, Dr. Hemlock? From a dental perspective?"
"It can be."
"Is it?"
"Not all the time."
"Would you say that the sum of life, in general--as it pertains to dentistry--is positive or negative?"
"As the sum of life pertains to dentistry, life is good, I reckon."
"Do you really reckon that or are you just saying it?"
"I'm saying it. I'm saying, yes, that's what I reckon."
"Is dentistry good when you're dying?"
"...it's not a word I use often."
"Is it?"
"Not really."
"Is it good...is it good, Dr. Hemlock."
"No. Depends on your job."
"You're looking at this much too literally."
"I'm a dentist."
"Yes, yes I know."
"You want to know what I think?"
"If you think something, I'd like to know what it is."
"Your teeth are fine."
"..."
"..."
"So it isn't a medical condition?"
"Is it?"
"That's what you said."
"I did?"
"Yes. You said that life is negative."
"You wanted to know what I thought."
"Yes. And if life is negative, as you say, then wouldn't that be plenty good reason to be anxious?"
"If life is negative, as I say, then that is indeed a good reason to be anxious."
"A better reason than physiology?"
"Oh, Mr. G--------, a way better reason than physiology."
"So if you could, would you prescribe me some drugs?"
"Not for that. Did you hear what I said? I couldn't in good faith treat merely the symptom as if it were the disease. I'd be betraying my vow as a psychiatrist."
"What about as a dentist?"
"...if I were a dentist, there's no way I would prescribe a drug that I wouldn't prescribe as a psychiatrist."
"Would you clean the tooth of someone who was anxious, even if his tooth were already clean?"
"..."
"..."
"Mr. G--------, I'd prefer cleaning such a tooth to all others."
"..."
"..."
"Ah henk ah ahl a gaddy."
"...excuse me?"
"Hec...stop for a second."
"Yes?"
"I think I have a cavity."
"We've all got cavities, Mr. G--------. Every last one of us."
"What do I do, Doctor? What do I do?"
"Put your head back. Just...put your head back."
"..."
"This might hurt."
"...yes."
--Nicholas Barnes
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